My husband and I have been married for 3 and a half years, together for 6 we started out as very good friends 11 years ago. There is a pretty incredible history. Now here is what I am faced with now. After all that time of knowing this person I come to find out that I didn’t know him at all because he lied to me constantly or left things out. Lie number one 9 months after we were married and I was pregnant with out first child, he tells me that he had slept with his brother’s ex-girlfriend within a week of them breaking up (his brother is his best friend) We were broken up at the time that this happened. I too had slept with someone else during this time and before we even got back together I told him about it because I felt as if we might get back together and I am very honest about things like that. Well after we got back together he started questioning me constantly about that sexual relationship like “how could you sleep with someone you barely knew?” “I just don’t understand how you could just sleep with someone like that?” now I take that with heavy implications that I am somewhat of a slut or something. So I go on feeling pretty guilty about it for a few months till he stops asking about it and commenting about it, all the while he did the same thing but he also betrayed the only person in his life that meant anything to him (his brother). Then we get married after having ample time for him to disclose all of this he finally tells me. I am pissed and felt trapped because I was pregnant at the time and while I wanted to leave him I also felt that with a child coming it changed the way I would have handled it if i had been single. Lie number 2 when we first got back together he told me about how he went through all of his stuff and threw out anything that conflicted with his christian beliefs which consisted of posters, pot smoking, porn, he quit smoking etc. I was thrilled because alot of that stuff is stuff we fought about when we dated before. A month after we got married he went out and bought all kinds of porn to have around the house. It bothered me but he didn’t watch it that much so I didn’t really care. Then I find out he is watching it all the time and lying about it. Lie number 3 he starts having this online emotional affair with an ex-girlfriend. I confronted it he ended it. So you can see the trust is degraded not completely gone at this point but definitely lowered. Then about a year later he is watching a rediculous amount of porn and really bad in nature (not child porn, but pretty disturbing). I don’t say anything (my fault) I just withdrawl from him more.Then I guess this is kind of lie number 4 although he didn’t really deny it he was just hiding it. He was sexting an ex-girlfriend and IMing while I was in bed crying because we just had a fight. I confronted it two days later and packed up my son and myself and left. 3 days later I find out I’m pregnant. He calls me crying saying he doesn’t know what is wrong with him that he loves us and we are the only thing that matter to him and he will do anything to make it right. So I come back we enter counselling. He says he is a sex addict that was the reason for his online/phone sex thing. So I told him he needed to get help then. So he did counselling for a few weeks then got a second job (we did need the money) then stopped counselling because he didn’t have time. Now he is back in counselling because I served him with an ultimatum. He told me the other day that if I knew the things he thought of all the time I never would have married him. He said he thinks about sex all the time now I know as a society we stereotype men as only thinking about sex all the time but this is literally all the time. He says just seeing people he thinks of them in a sexual way. He says he struggles with it all the time but he is trying to change his thought process.
I about 75% want out of this marriage, but a small part of me believes he does want to change and that he can. However, I’m pretty pissed off that I made a decision without having all the information first, but believed I had all the information. It wasn’t like we got married and then I was like “surprise!! I have an addiction, and I screwed your bestfriend but we’re married now and there is nothing you can do about it.” You know (I didn’t do any of that by the way, just making a point). However, our counselor of course is trying to “keep us together” She keeps saying this is an addiction it has nothing to do with you.And other stuff. How am I supposed to believe anything from him when everything that would have impacted my decision on marrying him was a lie?
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Is This Grounds For Divorce? (incredibly Long)?13 comments to Is This Grounds For Divorce? (incredibly Long)? |
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Your husband committed fraud. He wasn’t honest about himself and I’m guessing that if you knew then what you know now you wouldn’t have married him. Unfortunately there is a child involved but that child deserves a GOOD example from his/her daddy. Personally, I couldn’t live with a man like him and trust me, he won’t change.
Yes it’s way too long. Most all states have no fault divorce now. You don’t need grounds for divorce.
That’s for you to decide. If you want out, get out.
Go get a divorce and move on!
First of all marrying you was not a lie for him. I broke my porn addiction many years ago, and it was all about me. Like your husband, I never cheated or involved anyone else in my intimate life, sadly not even my ex-wife.
If he’s in counseling and keeping up with it, he wants to change. I hope the therapist is talking about replacing this behavior, because that’s usually the only way you can beat it. Notice too, that most of his engagement in pornography is related to when you two have a fight. I imagine that’s the only time he brought up the fling you had when you were broken up as well. By your own admission, you either BOTH cheated or neither of you did, whether he told you or not.
Lastly, he need to throw away all pornography he has, and put a filter on your internet. HE needs to do it not you. You indicated you are both people of faith- then pray over this. Find people in your church that you both trust to help you with this- there may be some who judge him, but there will be many who will minister to him.
You can also check out purelifeministries.org. Wonderful website with lots of resources for him and you. Feel free to email me any time if you need any further information.
That was really long and hard to follow, but I feel the frustration here.
If you do not trust him then you don’t have much of a foundation at all for your marriage. It does seem as though there were some bad signs there before the marriage. Perhaps you either didn’t see them then or didn’t want to see them.
People can deal with their addictions, but they need to be in counseling and therapy. They don’t fix themselves. The counselor is right that the addiction is his to own, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have an impact on you. You also have kids to worry about.
You have to decide what you want to do, but it sounds to me like you’ve already made up your mind.
Good luck.
that was way too long. but i think you know the answer to your own question.. it sounds like it is only going to get worse.. good luck
It depends on where you live.
In some states, adultery is grounds for divorce. Up to the specific court to decide what constitutes adultery in this case.
In some states, irreconcilable differences are grounds for divorce. This is a nebulous term and often relies on both parties agreeing that the marriage cannot continue – sounds like he’s not going to agree.
In some states, you might be able to argue that he defrauded you/entered into the marriage fraudulently based on the details you give here, but it’s touchy.
If nothing else, you obviously need to get your children away from him. An unbalanced man with sexual addiction, real or imagined, is not a safe caretaker for your children. If you can move in with friends or family, do. Otherwise try a shelter. His problems may help you secure custody of your children in a divorce, so keep records when you leave.
In answer to the question you didn’t ask: no, he’s not going to change. Women marry men thinking they can change them; don’t get sucked into being his “savior.”
Sounds pretty bad, if he is a sex addict you have no way of knowing he wont start cheating on yuo. It sounds like a pretty unhealthy relationship for you and for you kids, because you never know if hes that addicted to sex it could get worse and he could do something bad to the children(if you know what i mean) I would end the marriage if i were you, but if he really wants to change i’d say give him 2 months.
Or try a seperation, you might see your completly happy without with and then want to divorce him, or you might realize that you need and love him dearly.
wow, here’s a great web site for you.
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=84010fd41d93b010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&hideNav=1&pageNumber=1&maxResults=20&NARROW_BY=&query=divorce&bucket=AllChurchContent&dateFrom=&dateTo=&AUTHOR_CATEGORY=&AUTHOR_NAME=&FORMAT=&submitSearch=Search&dateFromDisplay=&dateToDisplay=&findByAuthor=
sorry it’s so long, but it will get you to the right place if your interested.
You have gone above and beyond your duty trying to help him. If it has not helped by now, it never will. I would not trust him any farther than I could throw him. If you are really this unhappy, then you should leave. I understand the complications of having children, with questions about being able to support them, but there is help out there. Check with the Department of Human Services in your area and check out what help is available before you leave. Of course your counselor wants you to stay together. Then you will keep coming to counseling and paying his bills.
while i understand your problem, you dont divorce someone that IS trying to get help…he wants help, so help him get it…tell him to look for “Sexaholics Anonymous” in his area…they can help him… as long as he is trying, you should too…
Lie Number 1 – who cares? You were broken up and what either of you did – is not the other person’s business. You let him continually grill you about your life outside of the relationship – you allowed yourself to be a doormat. Get over it.
Lie Number 2 – he watches porn – like 99% of the rest of the male population AND you were pregnant…that’s life – that’s normal for 99% of the male population. Again – get over it. He obviously is having sex with you and not the porn videos.
Lie Number 3 – unacceptable but you nipped it in the bud and it’s done. Let it go or it will ruin your marriage.
Lie Number 4 – same as above.
You can’t continue to hold onto the past. If you can’t let it go – then yes, get divorced. Otherwise – you need to pull yourself together and get over it. I’ve been married for 13 years – if I held onto every little thing from before we got married and anything after – I’d be divorced too. Forgive him the past and move on.