Online Dating Blog

Okay, so I’m 18 years old and I’ve just recently started questioning my orientation. But, I’m hesitant to call it a sexual orientation. See, up ’til now I’ve had a few male celebrity crushes, but no sexual desires for them. And it kind of scared me when I started watching Xena: Warrior Princess in February and all of a sudden had my first female crushes…on the fictional characters of Xena and Gabrielle, that is. The relationship between those two characters in the show deeply fascinated me. It was actually the first time where the thought of being with another woman for life kind of appealed to me…this is all strange because it’s not really a sexual desire. It’s a desire to have a female companion who can engage me emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually…and even physically (just no sex). I’ve never really had a really close friend before. Sure, I’ve had a few female friends here and there, but not really a *best* friend to share all my secrets and interests with. As for guys, I’ve never kissed, dated, or had sex with a guy. Well, the only time a guy kissed me was on the cheek in the 2nd grade. LOL I only really see the male figure as eye candy, but not a sexual object and the only guys in my life I’ve had an emotional bond with is my father and this one guy I met back in Halloween. Had a few male celebrity crushes here and there, notably the pretty boys in j-pop groups and the actors from the Narnia and Lord of the Rings movies. I’m sort of confused right now…I’m not sure if this burning desire for a very close friendship with another girl is a lesbian thing or not. When I asked some friends online about whether having an emotional attraction to women means I’m gay, they said that a lesbian means someone who either has a sexual, physical, or emotional attraction to women…and it made me even more confused when my mom told me that a lesbian only means having a sexual attraction to females. I just want to define who I am. I want to be myself and to not be told what I can or can’t be…or who I can or can’t love. And I don’t want people telling me that I need to wait a few years for sexual desires to come or just wait until I’ve dated a guy to label myself or something. To tell you the truth, the idea of dating a guy in the future has no appeal and sex scares me. There is one pattern that I can think of that could be considered an attraction to females early in life. Ever since I was 9 years old, I’ve always wanted a sisterly figure in my life. I have a brother and a mom and that’s great, but starting at that age, I would get emotionally attached to any female (fictional and real life) who had older sister-like tendencies. The most recent emotional attraction I’ve had to an older girl was last year in November…the girl who lead this small group at my church.
So can anyone tell me who I am? Am I a lesbian or not?